It is not half year yet, but I feel like I have experienced a full decade already. Same goes for some of my friends, I guess some of you might be having the same expereince too. From the beginning of the year, I knew there were lots of surprises to be revealed that will take my breath away, at this point I must say the wind has been knocked out of my sails.
When I feel like I am drowning and it seems I am gradually coming up for air, another surprise drags me below the water again. The last one was the death of my father, I did not see it coming at all, I doubt if there are any other surprises that will beat that one. It has been an emotional and mental roller coaster which has kept me in a constant state of holding my breath waiting for the next surprise.
Do not get me wrong, there has been some positive surprises that have come along with the heart shattering ones. The result of being in a constant state of waiting to exhale also impacted my physical health, leaving me with anxiety attacks, elevated BP (no cause for alarm though), and constant fatigue; I am always tired.
You guessed right, it definitely impacted my spirituality too. And no, I did not stop believing in God. Neither did I stop believing that He is good, kind, merciful, and perfect. But it affected my ability to pray and study like I should, which led to some neglect on my part. This is a dangerous place to be because beyond my personal spirituality and relationship with God, I am also a leader in church, which means I have not been standing in my place of authority and left those placed in my care without cover.
So this morning, I took my cares and worry to Abba, poured out my heart as much as I could to Him. His response to me was to “live’. He said “Chisom live”, you have not been living for some time, just existing. He revealed to me that I have been trying to control the promises He gave, trying to control the process, trying to bring His promises to pass by myself. He said I have been tyring to fit into the mold of what others expect adulthood to look like.
He asked, where is the Chisom who lived carefree because she trusted Me? Where is the Chisom who loved to read, to acquire knowledge? Where is the Chisom who loved to dream? Where is the Chisom who used to be excited about life? Where is the Chisom who always dared to go against the norm? Where is the Chisom who fought for others? Where is the Chisom who loved to live, organize get togethers, visit the beach, attend conferences, etc.? Where is the childlike Chisom?
He reminded me that he created and wired me to be childlike, but I have let “trying to be an adult” drown me out and drain me.
So this is me, who lost my dad and just buried him, reminding you to live. Exhale darling, let that weight go, life will keep “lifing” and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change it. The good will always come with the bad, the beautiful with the ugly, the perfect with the imperfect. It is just the cycle of life, there will always be rainfall and sunshine. I urge you to fight for your childlikeness, do not let it go.
Remember to live…
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~ Abba’s pampered princess 😊 ~
I promised myself last year to live and live with God and alongside it move away from anything that will utter that peaceful living.
I am more than happy I made that promise and despite the rain that kept raining or the storm that kept storming God always comes through in New ways I didn't expect.
Exhaling in itself is liberating... I won't even lie. I am a living testimony of His grace in stormy seasons (my declaration 📜)
Loss changes all of us, it reframe our priorities, in all Loss brings along with it I pray the Good Lord gives you the strength to mourn, to live not just living sake but to live Peacefully and in Him.